Upload & Sell: Off
I would rather critique, in terms of composition etc, less personal, and potentially emotionally charged photos than this.
It's not an ideal teaching/learning scenario.
You do however have an image that means a lot to you, although technically it's not great. The fact that you love the image makes it wonderful and valuable.
I can appreciate the desire to be able to do it better, to carry across more of the feeling of that moment. I just don't feel comfortable degrading(by picking fault, albeit to suggest improvements) something with obvious value to you.
Could it have been done better by you at that moment in time? Probably not.
Do you really want to look at it through other peoples eyes, purely on its technical merits?