p.1 #1 · Starvation Creek Falls in the Columbia River Gorge
•One Day at a Time•
I am releasing this image on a bittersweet day. And I'm about to pour a little bit of my heart out here.
Four years ago to this day, September 24th, I celebrated my first day of freedom from alcohol. This fact isn't something that I advertise about my life, but it's not something I'm ashamed of either.
It's a part of me and it's something that I deal with every single day.
These anniversaries are hard. It's not just the celebration of a new direction in life, but also a distinct remembrance of the events that led me to where I am. I hurt my friends and family, I compromised the lives of those around me, I let people down, I jeopardize the safety of my son, and I felt the guilt about it all every.. single.. day. The guilt made me drink more. Even when I wanted nothing more in the world than to NOT drink.. I still did. It was a never ending cycle. The deeper I dug my hole, the colder and darker it got, the lonelier I became, and the farther a hope of escape seemed... and so.. the more I drank.
I tried everything in my power to stop.. or to at least lessen the damage I was causing: I tried drinking only beer, I tried to drink only when I wasn't caring for my son, I tried to drink only socially, I tried to drink only on weekends, only on even days.. then only on odd days, I tried to not buy alcohol on my way home from work, I tried to put the money I would spend on alcohol into a savings account for my son whenever I felt the urge, and I tried to quit FOR my son. Afterall.. I thought my love for him was the strongest thing in my life. I was wrong.
Alcohol was the strongest thing in my life.
I wasn't able to get sober until I realized that I had to stop fighting. I had to surrender. I had to be willing to do whatever it took to get clean. That meant that I had to find something bigger than myself that I could believe in. For me... it's Mother Earth. It's nature.
This is a major reason why I am so profoundly connected to the beauty around me. It's where I got sober. In my early days I needed to find something to occupy my mind.. to distract. I hiked 5-6 days a week.. as often as I could. I hiked long, steep, ass-kicking trails. I dunked my feet in the waters, I drenched myself in the rains, and I threw my arms up at the vistas. I released.. I absorbed. I lived.
Life hasn't gotten 'better' in the past four years. In fact it's been the hardest four years of my life. But now I get to wake up every single day and try to be the best person I can be. I surround myself with people and things that build me up instead of tear me down and I try to do that for others. I get to hold my girlfriend's hand. I get to run my fingers through my son's hair. I get to wake up for sunrise and stay up for sunset.
p.1 #5 · Starvation Creek Falls in the Columbia River Gorge
Hi TJ...
Your photography on your web site has some beautiful scenes!
I know how difficult it can be to struggle with your demon. I've been sober for 36 years, and as your opening phrase indicates, we're both taking our lives "one day at a time." May you have many more "one days".
p.1 #11 · Starvation Creek Falls in the Columbia River Gorge
Congrats and stay strong. That is a fantastic image of those falls. I know it is a very tough area to get such a dramatic composition and you did very well. I only wish it were bigger
p.1 #12 · Starvation Creek Falls in the Columbia River Gorge
Hey TJ,
Congrats on choosing to live sober every day.
This is a very cool looking shot, I like how you worked the sun in it. I definitely am adding this to my list of places to shoot when I head up there next year.
Keep it up,
Jim
Sep 25, 2014 at 11:26 AM
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p.1 #13 · Starvation Creek Falls in the Columbia River Gorge
Love your story TJ. This is one of my favorite waterfalls ever from one of my favorite photographers. Great job! Needs to be BIGGER here!
p.1 #15 · Starvation Creek Falls in the Columbia River Gorge
Early sobriety is difficult. You have to learn a whole new way of life without a childhood to guide you along. Every day seems strange. Every day is a whole new, very strange experience.
I remember the fear of stopping. Drinking was easier than facing the fear of stopping. I remember my father going through the DT's and I feared that more than anything. Of course, the more I drank, the more likely the DT's became. The pain of drinking was a constant in my life. I finally ended up in the ER with a bal of .48 which in mere mortals tends to be fatal, but I felt normal. Well, as 'normal' as I was used to.
If I said the clouds parted, and life became a wonderful reason for existing, I would be lying. Sobriety was tough, and I struggled mightily. After 2 years I fell. I was suffering from horrible depression. Death was my fondest dream. I started up the merry-go-round again I bought a case of whiskey and sat down to write a note. Getting drunk may well have saved my life. My note grew to several pages, and I could not kill myself while there was still booze to be drunk. My neighbor drove me t\o the hospital and they admitted me to my second tour of detox.
this time worked. I got out of detox and tried a new anti-depressant. It would be 3 years before I found one that worked well. I would resolve not to drink for a minute at a time. I couldn't make it through a day at work without daydreaming about getting drunk that evening. That evening I would go home, eat dinner and go to a meeting. In bed, I would be amazed that I had made yet another day without my crutch.
At one meeting an old wino from Salvation Army shelter kept telling me "It gets better." After several months I confronted him and said it was still a bowl of crap. His buddy looked at me and said, "The 'it' is you. Every week we see yu and every week you have another week of sobriety under your belt. Now build on that."
Trust me. It gets easier. As you gain experience in sobriety, it becomes the new normal. One day you will realize that you can't remember the last time you thought of drinking. I have reached a point where beer and wine commercials don't even faze me. Sober has become the new normal for me. It's been over 20 years and I still have to remind myself that I am still an alcoholic and one drink will restart the vicious merry-go-round.
A couple of years ago our camera club was asked to provide a photographer for the local Salvation Army Awards Dinner. I volunteered. It was at this dinner that I got a chance to thank some of the leading lights from the shelter for sending some people my way to help me way back when. Now, just do it "One Day at a Time." 'It' does get better!
p.1 #16 · Starvation Creek Falls in the Columbia River Gorge
Stunning image and congratulations. As people have been saying it does get easier over time. 16 years ago I was told that if I did not stop drinking I would need a new liver in less than 10 years and that they would not give it to me as alcoholics are last on the list. I quit three days later and have been sober since. It is not easy but you can do it if you want to do it.
p.1 #17 · Starvation Creek Falls in the Columbia River Gorge
BEautiful and intense post. Your connection with nature really shows in this work and like all things the fresh water always brings change! Keep sharing the beautiful work please!
p.1 #18 · Starvation Creek Falls in the Columbia River Gorge
TJ,
Thanks for sharing your story. This is one of those instances where I very much like what was written over the image and the image is striking and spectacular. I'm always inspired by individuals who overcome and continue to overcome. It gives hope for people who may be stuck in a rut for different reasons but I always think, hey if a guy like that, who is getting beaten down can stand up the next day, why can't I.
I hope you one day are free of the bondage and continue to forage the strength from nature. Cherish the moments with loved ones.
