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Rick, Dale, Allyn & Bob,
I apologize for the group thank you. I'm still dealing with the effects of this event and still trying to finish this project so I can get it to exhibit. Your words are important to me. Thank you all.
There are more images, though I have yet to put them in the gallery. There is also more to read. This piece was written two nights ago. Again, thank you very much for your good words.
Kindness,
Miss Julian
"January 27 10:30 PM
Today makes 30 days of severe PTSD symptoms. The shouting and swearing continue, uncontrolled. Every noise is a trigger, every trigger a blow to my deteriorating system. The sleep terror/ wakeful exhaustion cycle continues unabated. Reprieves from my out-of-control physiology are brief and few. Nowhere and no one is safe. I am hunkered down in my home, unable to leave. I have every conceivable support: Friends who will stay up with me and help me fight, let me stay in their home - a quieter, calmer atmosphere, friends on call should I need to go into the hospital, psychiatrist, med nurse, therapist, medication, the Veterans Suicide Prevention hotline (their abilities are never to be underestimated), I am a graduate of 14 years of intensive, twice weekly therapy with the same therapist (the reason I am so self-aware and still alive today), I practice EMDR regularly, I have researched my condition down to the physiology that causes it. I am alive because of all of this, but what have I won? PTSD is the emotional equivalent of burning alive. Their intensity and immediacy are the same. There is no ability to think beyond the moment when one's only thought is how to end an untenable pain. Waking is an unending emotional stop, drop and roll. The dreams leave me in a heap on the floor, exhausted and retching, and it is at that time suicide becomes a comfort. The idea that it can all end, finally. I have thought about it often over 34 years of dealing with this. I have never tried. 30 days. No end in sight."
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