Upload & Sell: Off
Canon's telephone representative was very sincere in his apology for the company's shipping sins. He didn't argue about anything, didn't parry any of my (polite) blows, he said he would send messages to Irvine repair facility as well as their shipping facility about what not to do, and told me to send eveyrthing back on Canon's dime.
Paraphrasing his words:
"This deprives you of your equipment for awhile, makes us look bad, and costs everybody time. And Canon, money."
I figured they would end up replacing both of the damaged lenses as that was the most cost-effective solution and precludes further claims from the user. Replace them, they did - no prodding whatsoever.
On an unrelated note, they took a stab at repairing the sensor artifacts on my EOS-M. Having fixed those, they then borked the AF-assist light, which was permanently sent to on. That's another post, though.
I like Canon U.S.A.'s service. They are always very polite, you can reach a representative fairly quickly, they don't give you the runaround, they understand that empathy defuses tension, and always try their best when I deal with them. Sometimes their best isn't "perfect" but in the end, politely squeeze them if there's a disagreement, and merely be patient in case there isn't one.