Upload & Sell: On
"1) I am not soft proofing ... I only say that with the soft proof box checked the image apperance is identical in PS and LR"
When you check that box, you are soft proofing. What is the profile you are soft proofing to?
"4) How can I know if the profile is a version 2 or 4?"
Since it appears you built the profiles with your X-Rite hardware and software, there is a checkbox in one of the panels when you choose profile parameters. One of them is to choose version 2 or version 4 icc profiles. The default setting, for reasons known only to X-Rite, are to make a version 4 profile, even though they know that far too many applications have problems with them. I would try rebuilding your monitor profile and check the v2 option and see if that doesn't fix everything for you.